Have a Very Bay Christmas!

Merry Christmas! You are now entitled to open your Christmas present - a Reduced Script for the godawful Transformers movie with more free packages of trashing goodness to come!

The Fanfiction.net version is here.

The PDF version is here.

Sample:

Suddenly, BUMBLEBEE rescues him and, just his freaking luck, MEGAN, and MICHAEL BAY finally gets the AWESOME car chase he pines so much.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY: Ha, bet you didn't see that coming! Man, I'm the master of unpredictability.

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) You meant our ability to not only transform from crappy stunt cars into even crappier CGI, but also to transform day into night, right?

He DOES, or maybe it's just MICHAEL channeling ED WOOD. Then the two ROBOTS transform and begin to FIGHT!

INFERNO (V. O.): Royalty, the program is operating at 300 percent capacity! We are successfully destroying five times ten to the twenty-seventh power audience brain cells per second!

BARRICADE: RARRRR!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) RARRRR!

BARRICADE: RARRRR! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY DUEL FLAILS!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) BUT ALL I'M SEEING IS JUST SHINY METAL TWIRLING IN THE AIR! AND IS THAT YOUR ARM, OR MY LEG?

BARRICADE: WHAT? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT SENSELESS, ILL-CHOREOGRAPHED ACTION IS ALL THE AUDIENCE NEEDS?

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) REALLY? THEN WHY DON'T THEY GO PLAY THIS MOVIE'S LICENSED VIDEO GAME? AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE MORE COMPREHENSIBLE AND LESS PRETENTIOUS!

BARRICADE: BUT THEN THEY CAN'T ENJOY THE DIRECTION OF MICHAEL BAY, WHO HAS MADE SURE THAT THE CAMERA IS SO BLURRY THE AUDIENCE CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ANYWAY!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF AN ACTION MOVIE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN ENJOY THE ACTION?

BARRICADE: YOU SEE, YOU CAN ENJOY JUVENILE, MIND-NUMBING ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR!

BUMBLEBEE: (switching between channels) LIKE THIS?

He throws the camera at FRENZY, who is chasing SHIA and pulling his PANTS.

FRENZY: Don't mess up with me, or I will go off like a CD player on a rampage!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace: The Reduced Script

(Sorry for the lack of updates, but Junior year is truly probably the worst year in college.)

This movie is less impressive than the original trilogy and the third episode, but hey, at least it's better than the second. And I did love this movie as a kid. Also, I began working on the script probably sometime before last year, but didn't finish it until a few weeks ago – consequence of not hating a movie passionately enough to write a satire about it (sigh).

Sample:


QUI-GON JINN: I don't care about the rumors as to how Anakin will jeopardize the fate of the galaxy and the fate of Star Wars franchise, just to contrast the later events and show what an awful Jedi master I am!

Meanwhile, in the GALATIC SENATE CHAMBER, EVERYBODY is doing exactly what PALPATINE wants them to do, because everyone, including QUI-GON, HATES the REPUBLIC.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS: Oops, we are dwelling too deep into the main series plot; let's get back to Naboo where things have little relevance to it and are living the prequels' legacy of being extravagant and worthless.

Fever Pitch: The Reduced Script (and others)

Yes, you heard it right. I did see this movie. With my gang of friends who love crappy Romantic Comedies that feature nothing less than Red Sox fans' wet dream. I heard that this was great fan service to the Red Sox fans, even though, technically, it could have been ANY sport team.

Why did I state that I did see the movie, you ask? Well, you will know...

And I've been really busy too...

Also, the scripts for Stranger Than Fiction and Power Rangers are updated. And so is Connections page.

Stranger Than Fiction: The Reduced Script

No, I still have no idea why Harold Crick was able to hear Karen Eiffel, because, apparently, the best way to work around an inexplicable gimmick is to never explain it.

Sample:

EMMA'S VOICE f*cks WILL up. It narrates his movements when he is working, talking to people, and ogling MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL'S TITS VIA TRIGONOMETRY. Sometimes, it narrates parallel to the events in WILL'S life; other times, it warps time and space, narrating as if WILL is doing three different things at three different places simultaneously, even though WILL listens to the narration in real-time.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I draw pleasure from giving Will idiotic instructions and berating him for following them.
(pause)
As a literary expert and a moron, I suggest you prevent your imminent death by altering your current set of behaviors, despite the glaring possibility that your efforts might also be part of the plot that triggers your death.

V for Vendetta: The Reduced Script

To be quite honest, I liked this movie a lot, even though I disagree with the movie on a lot of things. I heard the original graphic novel was even more extreme, though. So I guess it would have been worse.

Also, I will now attempt to update on a biweekly basis. And finally, I will, from now on, include a sample of the script for every post announcing a script archive update.

Sample:


IMPRESSIONABLE MOVIE AUDIENCE: Please notice how very distinct each and one of us is to each other, even though our reactions are almost exactly the same. It's a good thing that different people have such a unified opinion on something so controversial.

Consequently, they from now on never stop watching TELEVISIONS, because TELEVISIONS are their only path to REALITY.

Unconsciousness Explained Blog Moved!

The new address: http://parodyscripts.blogspot.com/

I changed the address of the main site primarily to reflect the new brand name of my parodies: "The Reduced Script". Just in case you are wondering, the phrase "abridged parody scripts" doesn't really make as much linguistic sense as "parody scripts", does it?

Still, this blog will still be around, at least for the time being. I will post the links of new script items and manually import some of my ("better") parodies.